It’s been an interesting few weeks. I don’t know how to put all of my emotions down here without going into elaborate detail, but you are welcomed to ask me any questions about what I’m about to share.
Being a mom: I used to have very professional goals for myself. I still had them after having Ari and worked my ass off to finally graduate undergrad after 15+ years. I had them after Joshie too and felt really good to be going to grad school. And then one day I was coloring with the boys and began to cry. I wanted more of that. I felt, and do feel right now, incredibly distracted with my life as a student. I’m burnt out and I have changed to the extent that I just want to be a mom for a while. That alone spreads me pretty think because a lot of daily stuff falls to me. But at least that would be my only “job.” So, we’re going to try it. I have put in a leave of absence for grad school which is extended to me for a whole year. If the mommy thing is not working out, I can always go back. Read more
During my pre-teen years I was short, twiggy and wore thick Coke-bottle bottom glasses. I felt painfully awkward in social settings, so I usually could be found with my nose in a book. Bully fodder. That was what I was growing up.
In fifth grade, I was singled out by one girl in particular. She went to great lengths to find me alone to whisper threats into my ear. I ignored them. She’d give me long, lingering, menacing stares. I ignored them. Inside, I was terrified, but I tried my best to stand my scrawny ground. I never said a word. One day, she decided to push me off the sidewalk leading from the playground back to class. I didn’t say a word as I picked myself up and continued walking, but our teacher saw it happen. She asked me what happened. I said nothing. She asked her what happened and she said the same. Our teacher marched us both into the library and told us we were not allowed to leave until we were friends. She left me alone with my tormentor. The funniest thing happened. She and I became friends. She had lots to say and I was a good listener. She had lots of opinions and I was non-judgmental. She hated our teacher and I humored her complaints. She and I were friends until she graduated early in 1988. During middle school, we saw each other through some serious personal trials. Hers centered around her mental instability and mine around some serious family dysfunction. We held each other up when others could not understand. We were completely loyal to each other.
My senior year of high school was particularly stressful. By this time, my friend had graduated and we’d drifted apart. As soon as I graduated and went to college, I left my home city and never looked back. I didn’t abandon my family – they moved to a different city too, so I had no need to return to the site of such painful memories. I finally went back for my 10 year high school reunion. I looked for her, but she wasn’t there. I didn’t pursue it further. I recently went back for part of my 20 year reunion and was shocked to find out that she committed suicide sometime before our last reunion. I felt like a part of me was ripped away when I heard the news. The saddest part? Nobody could tell me what happened. So few of them really knew her. It’s been several days since the reunion and all I’ve carried away from it is that somebody very important – to me – is missing… forever.
I am doing a lot of reconciling right now. It has been over 20 years since I’ve thought about a lot of things, happy and painful things. I find myself in a position right now that I have to re-experience everything. You see, my husband, children and I are moving back to the same city (the same area to be more precise) where all of this occurred. I see familiar faces and places and memories explode into my head. I reconnect with old friends and my high school sweetheart and I feel ashamed that I abandoned them. So much time has passed. How can I explain that I had to get away to heal my bullied soul? How will my healed and stronger self face all those painful memories?
I have to tell you, I’m becoming very stressed out about some of the interactions I’m having with people recently. I’m no stranger to debate, but it has become very uncomfortable for me lately. I find myself being a bit bothered by the viewpoints of some people for whom I care a great deal. By no means is it their fault. I’m simply growing tired of things that use more energy than I have, taking that energy from the things I love. I’m bothered by a lot of things that used to give me pleasure, like blogging here and The Boerboel Blog.
I put a post up on the Boerboel Blog that I’m closing it down. I had a contest for Halloween and ever since it ended there has been controversy, hearsay, and a lot of time and energy being a mediator for something that used to be so much fun. I swore that I would not make another post until the issue was resolved. It resolved the day I put that notice up. Nearly 5 months of resolving issues! I can’t afford that kind of time.
I’ve been spending more time with my kids doing puzzles, coloring, playing games and I’m finding I like that so much better. I wish that were my only job…MOM. I also wish I could devote a bit more time to The Hot Zone with Joe, but I’m so worn down by everything. I take care of the kids (transportation alone is 2 hours/day), the dogs, the house, my grad school almost single-handedly.
I try to keep up with everyone and I like having personal interactions with them, but anyone online who is talking about the taboo topics just turns my stomach to knots. I can handle my own and I do, but I’m not diggin’ it, if that makes any sense? Furthermore, I’m looking to have more things in life that I’m diggin’, because there aren’t many right now.
No, I’m not depressed. I have just finally reached my limit. I guess it’s boundary drawing time.
I’m sure you’re wondering about this…yes, I have thought of closing this place down as well. I don’t know if I will do that yet, but I am starting to cut some things loose. I have to for my own sanity.
We had big surprise yesterday! Baby Kiddoc decided to make an appearance 5 weeks early. He is 5 pounds 6 ounces and 17 inches. He was born via C section at 5:53 pm after about 16 hours of labor. He is 5 pounds 6 ounces , 17 inches long, cute and sleepy.
Mom and Dad are a little sleep deprived. Baby appears to be fine.
Mazel Tov to the new family!
I didn’t include the baby’s name because I wasn’t sure if she wanted to share that with the whole world. I will leave that up to her when she’s ready to come chime in.
I know I’ve been woefully absent from here lately. I’ve had a lot going on. A lot of emotional stuff. A lot of physical stuff. A lot of thinking of and planning of the future. A lot of working through the present. A lot of insomnia. A lot of mental roadblocks. A lot of mental breakthroughs. Most of it good. Some of it complicated and trying. All part of living life and all part of why I have not written much here. I wish I could say I’d be back here soon to write on a regular basis, but I simply don’t know from day to day what will happen. However, I want all of the people who still visit here to know that I think about you and visit your blogs when I get the chance. Thanks for hanging in there and coming to visit when you have the chance. I really appreciate the thoughts, whether helpful, loving, supportive or just plain curious.
I would have no problem posting your response about the topic of abortion vs. adoption if you wrote ANYTHING about the topic. Instead, you chose just to insult me. Perhaps that’s what you meant by civilized?
As you can see, I’ve changed up the blog for this coming week. Why? Well, my anniversary is on the 12th, Valentine’s Day on the 14th and the day we met on the 16th. There won’t be chocolate this week, but there may be a new home theater system…a combined gift we’re researching. 🙂
Today I graduate from college with a bachelor of arts in psychology. I have been working at this for over 15 years. I have, on occasion, been berated for my decisions by friends and family. I have endured through full-time jobs and full-time parenting. I have paid for it entirely on my own. I began the journey alone and will be ending it alone as well. No one, that I know of, will be at the auditorium. Several people are watching the live feed, though. But I think it’s fitting that I’m doing the big walk all by myself. This was never about anyone else. This is all about me.
There is a new quest as well. I will begin working on a master of science in counseling and advanced applied behavior analysis in January.
Yes, as one door closes another opens. Now if I can just find the door to the money house.