It’s been an interesting few weeks. I don’t know how to put all of my emotions down here without going into elaborate detail, but you are welcomed to ask me any questions about what I’m about to share.
Being a mom: I used to have very professional goals for myself. I still had them after having Ari and worked my ass off to finally graduate undergrad after 15+ years. I had them after Joshie too and felt really good to be going to grad school. And then one day I was coloring with the boys and began to cry. I wanted more of that. I felt, and do feel right now, incredibly distracted with my life as a student. I’m burnt out and I have changed to the extent that I just want to be a mom for a while. That alone spreads me pretty think because a lot of daily stuff falls to me. But at least that would be my only “job.” So, we’re going to try it. I have put in a leave of absence for grad school which is extended to me for a whole year. If the mommy thing is not working out, I can always go back.
Addiction: I’m an addict. This has been incredibly painful to admit and I am going through self-treatment kicking and screaming. I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I am addicted to food. This is an incredibly hard thing to be addicted to because you really can’t stop eating. I used that as an excuse for a very long time. I’m not addicted to all foods. I think I’ve narrowed it down to sugar. Sugar permeates my life obsessively. I hide sugar around the house. One bit of sugar is not enough. I will eat sugar until it’s all gone, whether I’m full or not. It’s bad. It’s going to be hard to be abstinent with sugar. But if I have any hope of being healthy and handling my emotions properly, I have to do it. Let me make this perfectly clear…I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS. NOT ONE BIT!!! Cake is my favorite thing in the whole world and I have to say goodbye to it. Because if I have just one bite, I’ll want more. Then I’ll want cookies. Then chocolate bars. Then I’m hiding marshmallow peeps around the house because I have to have it. It’s not pretty. This has nothing to do with weight loss. This has to do with my mindset…the obsessing…the hiding of sugar to get my fix and others won’t judge me…the shame after doing those things. It takes up way to much of my day and I’ve been in denial for way too many years about it. Did I mention I didn’t want to do this? Did I mention this would be hard? UGH Stay tuned.