I’ve been watching a new show on HBO called, Tell Me You Love Me. In short, it’s a show about couples in relationship who have the common link of the same female therapist. Therefore, it’s not only about relationships but working relationships out in therapy.

In this show I have found one couple to be very interesting…Katie & David. They have been married forever, have wonderful kids, a nice house & generally a nice life. That is, they have everything but intimacy. Katie reveals in therapy that they haven’t had sex in a year, and only then it was because it was their anniversary. Somewhat expectedly, their anniversary comes and goes this year with no sex.

At one point in the last few episodes, the therapist recommends to Kate that she needs to find her sexuality. I don’t remember the therapist recommending masturbation, but she decides to try it out. She’s at home alone, locks the doors and looks around as if someone is watching. She lays down on the bed and gives touching a try. She appears frustrated and walks into the bathroom. Again, locking the door, she leans up against the sink and begins putting her hands down her pants. She’s starting to get into it more and I find myself thinking, “That’s awesome. This is just what she needs.” Then, she stops and walks away from it altogether.

I know that there are women like that out there, but I just don’t understand them. I don’t know if it’s that they never masturbated and don’t know how to explore their bodies and please themselves or if it’s that they’ve been without touch for so long that they simply feel that pleasure is something so elusive that they don’t even try. I felt myself wanting to say to her, “Kate…do this. Be the sexual being you know you want to be…can be. If for no other reason, do this to relieve some unnecessary stress you’ve put on yourself. Do this and you will want Dave more.”

I was thinking about this today and thought about my first masturbatory experience. I remember this like it was yesterday, when it was really 23 years ago (for those of you who know my age, you can do the math). I began touching myself around that time and kept thinking, “Why do women do this? I’m not getting anything out of this. Sure, it feels nice to have any kind of touch, but what is the big deal.” Then I had my first orgasm. My thoughts instantly turned to, “Whoa…I sooooo get this!” The point is, I didn’t understand the first several times I touched myself. So, in my thoughts today, I wondered if that is the same problem with Kate. I wonder if she just hasn’t experienced pleasure in a way that would make her understand how important it is to her alone, let alone her marriage.

Then I thought about something really odd. How many women out there actually masturbate? Do they do this on a regular basis? Do they no longer do it because they’re in relationship and feel that should be satisfied by coupling? Was I one of the few women out there who understand how good it is to know your body so well that you can explain it to other people?


UPDATE: OMG…Mark found this great site that talks about women’s masturbation horror stories. It’s definitely worth a look.

14 thoughts on “Masturbation

  1. Okay, in my opinion, and not as an expert. I think it’s kind of like being a virgin. Before you have sex you really don’t know what you’re missing. I haven’t masturbated before, but it’s not that I wouldn’t. It’s more of not knowing how to. And since I haven’t before I don’t know if I would like it or not. I don’t think a lot of women know how to. If she has never tried it before, then she may not have a desire to. I also think that some women aren’t as sexual as others. So the desire may or may not be there. Hope that helps.

  2. Chrissy – yes, I think that many women might not know how. But, those of us who have masturbated before didn’t know how at one point as well. I think I can say with some degree of certainty, that if they tried it out and gave it more than one or two chances, they would honestly see what’s important about it.

    In the beginning, when I would touch myself I’d be really, really self conscious. I would think, “Gosh…I shouldn’t be doing this. This is weird.” Just touching myself made me think that I was doing something that everyone else would instinctively know about, especially those who have had sex. But I faced my fear and explored it a few times. I’m really glad I did.

    Knowing how to give myself an orgasm has been one of the single most helpful things ever. I know that men talk about this a lot more, but you can actually get a decent stress relief by just getting all of that energy out.

    Here’s the best part, too…it’s completely mine. I’m not relying on a man to create MY feelings of pleasure. They’re mine and I can have them whenever I want. It doesn’t make the man obsolete either. I enjoy myself with my husband in addition to enjoying myself with myself. But, it’s a lot better when you can tell your partner what pleases you. It takes all the guess work out for them AND makes sure you don’t have to have those bedroom lies of not being pleased, or faking it. When you have it, you don’t have to fake it.

    I think with regard to this show, Kate actually wants it. She wants to be sexual with Dave. They’ve just gotten caught up in every day family life and forgotten that they are sexual beings who need each other.

  3. Most women I know who have never achieved an orgasm have tried masturbation, but just can’t seem to get over the hill. From what they’ve mentioned, it seems like each has their own pyschological block they’re unable to work through.

    Louise Hay says the best cure for a headache is masturbation.

    Personally, I think the world would be a better place if more people would take each other’s advice and just go fuck themselves–it’s not just lip service anymore.

  4. I was trying to think of how to respond to the post when I found Nark’s website of masturbation horror stories. I will never be able to look at Mickey Mouzse toothbrushes the same way ever again!!!

  5. Kudos to you and boy am I jealous! Jef said what I was thinking – it has never been a successful or even satisfactory, really, endeavor for me. Whatever the “block” is, emotional, psychological, physical, who knows… has been too challenging for me to want to continue. I lose interest. Add to that that I am incredibly blessed with a skilled partner and willing body and I’m just too lazy (or spoiled) to play alone. That doesn’t mean that we haven’t introduced things to spice up our lovelife, it just means that I haven’t been interested in doing these things alone.

  6. and boy am I jealous!

    Well, I think I said this on Mark’s site (or was it here?) I believe that masturbation is a bit boring until you really “get it.” Until then it just seems kind of silly. You’re kind of sitting there during the act or after thinking, “Now, what am I supposed to feel.” When you finally are able to give yourself an orgasm, you totally get it.

  7. I think a lot of this stems from the fact that women are still taught that sex is more for the men to enjoy. Women aren’t taught about their bodies or given any type of direction of where they can go to learn about it either. Men are supposed to have all the fun and women are meant to be demure about sex. Women are used as sex objects all the time but they aren’t really supposed to *like* sex. Women shouldn’t really enjoy sex and those who do are called what? Whores, prostitutes, sluts, and so on. No same labels for men. Take a look at Christian religions who hold “purity balls” for girls. Where they pledge to their fathers to remain virgins until marriage and are presented with a ring at the ball (this whole thing gives me the creeps btw). Yet there is no such thing for the boys. Why is it that only the girls are to remain “pure” while the boys can go out and do whatever they want?

    Society doesn’t teach women (at least in the US, overseas is a little more progressive) that sex is wonderful and they should enjoy it and their bodies.

  8. “Yet there is no such thing for the boys. Why is it that only the girls are to remain “pure” while the boys can go out and do whatever they want?”

    I dunno. Ask Buster Hymen. he wrote the book on it…

  9. Being a single girl I have to rely on me, myself and I for pleasure. I don’t think that just because you aren’t in a relationship that that part of your being is or should be shut down.

    It truly is the best stress reliever there is!

  10. I think folks of any gender need to be in touch with themselves on a number of levels. I feel sorry for people who haven’t had that eureka moment, or who haven’t given themselves the chance to even GET to that eureka moment. Then again, I can only thank G-d that I figured it out a long time ago.

    Looking at the experience of this couple, I also thank G-d that my marriage is pretty much at the opposite end of the spectrum.

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